Fixing the Holes

My first husband was a bit of contradictions, I say this because in his youth he had been severely mistreated many times by the Americans and as old as he was; he would simply call it "racism."



He was over twenty-years older then myself and while he was Turkish, he also in later years wore a heavy beard to hide that he also had family that was Jewish. While he was not one to overly talk about himself, he would mention little things ever so often.


The first years we were married he worked two jobs, with one being in carpentry mainly towards peoples homes; his speciality was doing roofing. Many people liked his work because he was honest, fair and never took short-cuts as some people do these days.


He could simply look at a roof and tell everything that was wrong or needed repair. While he hired people for a short time to do little things, the main body of work was his and a few times I did get to assist, but mostly as company.

Most US Poltical Prisoners have a life that is extremely substandardly horrible and live each day with the threat of what will happen to them or others around them. My first husband many years ago, before I knew him; had one of his grown sons murdered by the US and would be jolted with the death of one of his children as a mere baby under mysterious circumstances. Which both deaths weighed heavy on him for the rest of life, for his children were very dear to him and he had tried extremely hard to protect them.

Many years ago, he became a widower with nine children and was later requested to care for the children of another family in the death of there parents; so in all he became the father of sixteen children and yes, they later considered me as there mother. Also in many ways in his life he felt very deeply about helping others any way he could, to make there life better is what he used to say and even I had seen amazing things. Nevertheless, in some of his way of thinking and general outlook, he would have been a good Sabra and knew very well what it meant.

When he was a younger man back in the about 1950's, he did own a Harley Davidson motorcycle; in the days when motorcyclists appeared a little more clean cut and were more out right protesting against the US government. Basically, for many of the problems the US still has; especially towards the need for human rights, real freedom for all people instead of oppression because of race, religion and equal rights for women which he felt the US had a severe problem; that women deserved dignity without wishing or the need to wear men's pants.

Many years ago this portion of the Kohn family had to flee Israel after the invasion and was for a time allowed to peacefully live in Turkey, until the US in persuit finally kidnapped them.  It had to do with who this part of the family really were. As for myself, He tried very much in our very limited means; as us both being US Political Prisoners, to give me a magical life. This was a man that had said to me, of everyone he had ever known; I was his best friend.

He thought quite a bit of me and was also extremely kind to others; but as the few years began to accumulate he did not always like people coming to the house in what he felt was a bother to me; I would not learn until later, when he was dying how much he actually felt about me. Without expanding, I do not know anyone that could get such nice complements as a wife.

Something, that got to be somewhat of a joke on my birthday, was he use to say that I was actually older then him by over twenty years; not by actual years, but wisdom.

Life in a Death Camp

I have thought that like others who are Jewish or Muslim that are also illegally being held or technically kidnapped by the US in concentration/death camps especially long term. That sometimes, it is hard to understand why you're being mistreated having done nothing wrong; even though a US captor tries to make you feel you're less then nothing.

But needing to remember, that Allah (Hashem) will take care of you no matter how hard it gets and sometimes you do feel like your running as a caged hamster on a wheel unable to go anywhere; but around the same circle.

Also, while this may seem hard for some people to understand that has never experienced social isolationism; of how nice it would seem to actually talk to a person and have there warmth of feeling. To know that there is more to oneself than the constant negativity you're subjected too and being able to share good things with someone else that you do not really have where you are; with just feeling that all you're doing is breathing day by day. For loneliness can be unbearable, with the added feeling of a type of abandonment; but you know that you do not dare let it eat away at you either.  When your a child somehow it doesn't seem to feel quite as bad, but sometimes would extremely bother you after you had grown-up; which took sometime to understand why. For people on the outside may have frames of reference to go by, but growing-up on the inside allot things is absent and being in a place you know deep in you're heart, you just do not belong there with the feeling of being shackled away from home.


There is those in both Paradise (Heaven) and on earth; that equate this type of existence as, "Living in Hell!"

It is a strange thing of not being allowed to show emotions without being punished in some manner, so you try and not let them show; but I will admit sometimes it was hard to do. As you're forced behind the prison walls wondering what the world is like on the other side. It took years, to understand why the US did this.

As far back as I can remember, all the suffering I had to go through was to me selfless. For my thoughts and my heart was for the multitude that was suffering to me, far greater; then what was being subjected upon myself, for this I always understood.

To even be reminded from childhood, that the smallest thing such as sharing  two cupcakes; when the other person would rather eat both and not share, carries allot of weight in the bigger aspect of the whole.

Or that selfish person because they did something they thought was wrong and was going to get into troubles, forces the unselfish person to promise Allah (Hashem) they will not tell on them. Even when the unselfish person knows and says that the ones that they are worried about, will find out anyway without the unselfish person uttering a word without that unnecessary promise. They do get into these troubles more quickly then they thought, as the unselfish person stood in silence and watched the only outcome that could be, unfold.-HRM Deborah

When we first were married, he met my mother and seemed to like her very much; but was extremely upset when she was killed. He considered the US man that held us captive as being excessively "crazy" and as for my "dead" sister; he thought she was the most awful, ice cold human being there ever could be the first time he ever saw her when Mother was close to death and her trying to start a fist fight with me as she would do when we were younger (In 1978, she horribly butchered a female cat that had kittens on my bed the blood was profuse and stained the bargain Simmons mattress until it was taken away from me in Siberia, than she hid the body; the cat belong to my mother). Our US captor, considered her something that belong to him and had even said so. She also had collaborated with him concerning our US captors criminal activities, including murder and was brought to my attention that she helped him in the death of my mother. The last time she was ever seen, she forced a visit to my husband's house in an arrogant questionable situation unlined by the US captor; which was about thirteen years ago. She has been dead to me for a long time for what she has done. He also helped me to get out of "Siberia" death camp, which while I never fully understood had to do with a talk between my mother and him. My then husband did wish to also save my mother, but she would hear it unless by some miracle she recovered from the US man having already poisoned her by this time and she knew she was dying. He also, helped me from the aftermath of being in a death camp and felt I should always be well cared for.

By 7 November 1995, we had only been married a little less then nine months. The evening before we had gotten to see my mother and she was in a vegetation state with only her heart working by this time from the effects of being poisoned by our US captor, in the Siberia death camp; another victim of the US Holocaust. Myself, I was having a very hard time taking in what I saw. Long story short, by morning of the seventh, my husband was coming in fairly early in the morning from his other job as he always was doing; but it just appeared to be a different kind of morning. By the time he got home, he said he had something to discuss with me and he set down on the sofa where he bursted into tears. I asked, "Momma is dead!" Him having troubles said, "yes." Where I asked what time and how was he told. She died at 2:30 AM and the US man had called him at work forcing him to be the one to tell me. As for me, even though I knew it was true; I was still having a very hard time accepting she was gone. So much so for a little time that even my husband got worried, that he thought he may loose me. I just had to get over the realization she was dead and not having been allowed to cry for so long, I wanted to cry, the back of my eyes hurt; but no tears would come. But one day, sometime later they finally did and yet, the sorrow of her death still weighs emotionally heavy on me; because a daughter still misses her mother and the horrible way the US murdered her. One consolidation I know in my heart, my mother, like my first husband are in a very good place where the days are always bright.


The US poisoned him during a time when they had attempted to assassinate me and failed, but after about eighteen months of utter horror, fighting every step to save his life and allot of prayers; he died on 25 September 2003 at 12 AM for I was at his bedside when he took his last breath. He was 67-years-old when he died.

In 1997, was the first assassination attempt by former US President Bill Clinton that broke my right ankle and my first husband did everything he could think of to help me and take care of me the best he knew how.

Then it was so unbelievably worse in 2000, which it was a living nightmare due to the horror of what could have happened to us; not realizing some of the aftermath. Which both times, I almost died either having to do with surgery or just before; but I never felt death coming. The second time, my first husband was amazing how he tried to make everything good for me; him and I not realizing at the time, he was a walking dead man.

We came to realize, when I caught him one day almost falling weak in the front yard; after I was able to walk some again and later, did find out what actually did happen to him.

 

17 August 1936-25 September 2003

[His last name was Kohn and was a cousin. He was also a US Poltical Prisoner and like so many US Poltical Prisoners, the only way he could be free was in death; another victim of the Holocaust.  He was also a direct descendant of Rabbi/Prophet Jesus (PBUH) and a cousin of mine.]


How my first husband was to meet me from afar, I happened to be in a car with our US captor and my mother. While I usually set in the rear seat looking out the window wishing to be someplace other then where I was. He was doing a large contracted roofing job on a Catholic Church, which consisted of the church its self and a new annex building. He happened to look down and saw a woman looking out a car window. He thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, that I was misplaced for being in the US or did not belong were I was; that I was in the wrong country, but he tried to think were I could have came from for he thought of different places in the Middle East not thinking of Israel at the time, but had no troubles as to what my religion was and something about me he just could never quite put his finger on it was different then he thought, of any woman. He said, if he could have, he would have married me that very day; even though he did not know anything about me. He made inquires and searched for me for several years until he was able to find me, in a death camp, for it had been like I had fell off the face of the earth.

I have never been sure though how he found out, always felt mother told him we were from Israel; just that he was overjoyed.
 

As to some of the modern technologies that many people take for granite, because of my first husband I got to see my first music CD, mobile phone, he taught me how to use a microwave, that I was allowed to speak and that leftovers will not harm you; for instance.



While he did finish roofing the Catholic Church, they refused to pay him for the roofing job and this particular job was one of the few times he had to have a full crew and he hand picked them himself. 

I never really liked talking about him much, because what happened to end a eight and half year marriage was simply just wrong!

"Leaving the Waiting Room"

After my first husband died, I for a time was suffering from sever exhaustion and some complications from when the US had tortured me. Also, something people may not realize that after a spouse passes away especially I think if they have been married for awhile; that for a good bit of time one will still feel they are married, that the same rules applied as when one were married and for a time, one still sees them in there eyes and no one else; for this was the way it was for me. Then it seems all of a sudden one day, that you feel you are being cut in half which was a dreadful feeling; as to the adage of Allah (Hashem) making a husband and wife be one person and not two separate people in one house. But even more importantly, I did not just loose a husband, I lost a dear friend.

After this, I did a tremulous amount of religious studies and prayers which started early in the morning throughout the day until late evening, too not even forgetting a Friday or a holiday; did a little horticulture and did a good amount of charity work which during several occasion's I helped save an older American women's life for she was very ill and helped a young American girl with a lot of unhappiness.

I still laugh sometimes at some American women that insisted on coming to visit which was after the US illegally invaded Iraq where many Americans were so highly against anyone Middle Eastern which I felt the high heat many times. Nevertheless, they had never eaten Middle Eastern food before, some they liked and some not so much or they would come for tea and pastry to watch a movie, visit or ask about Israel and some things about Middle Eastern culture. Which these same women came away not with animosity towards Middle Eastern people, but I had learned later actually defend them; which they also use to consider me as just getting off the plane or knew, I was not American.

As the time passed by, every so often I would sit outside in the grass when the weather was warm with a dog named Anna for the warmth seemed to help her bad leg that was injured by the US man back when we were in the Siberia death camp and again at a later time, for the US man tortured her several times; whom my first husband was able save by rather unusual circumstances after my mother was already dead and also sitting in the grass I would just think about some things my first husband had said  for towards then of his life it was about me, towards himself as he had said being around me made a man wish to be a better man and about what Paradise (Heaven) was really like as to these things he mentioned previously was never mentioned by me or spoken about much it was as though something he saw, unexplained; also insisting upon which was for me to marry once again, which I did in 2005.

On the Chase

Remembering a sweet Eastern fragrance, that brought heartfelt inner contentment; that while it stays in my heart always, was so deeply missed.

Nevertheless, this was a period when one door closed and a very old cherry wood door that I had wished to see for such a long time; finally once again opened wide and I stepped through to find a happiness that was so missed from long ago, a kind of love never forgotten; but what is sadly still missing, is home. I am also still curious, if the curtains still dance on a Summer's breeze, in the room with white walls. And do they still make in Israel, a cetain type of brown teapot.



Where I was and just before it was time, I saw everything from blizzards with sub-zero temperatures, that can actually freeze the human lungs from the inside for it almost happened to me twice; too very heavy rain that sometimes caused area flooding, with high humidity. I have seen snow higher then myself and once my automobile doors where frozen shut for a whole week and I learned that it can get so cold, that an automobile engine can actually overheat; loosing anti-freeze in the process. During this time, I would get so homesick; that I would have moments, where I would lay on the floor and cry my heart out.-HRM Deborah

The Turning Point